Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Feelings show...

I don't mean to complain, complain, complain on this blog. I'm just me. For over a week now, I have refrained from saying anything on here, only sharing the basics with our family or very close friends. I get tired, as you might imagine, of the comments, and the endless questions, and the wondering why. Always why? why? why? Trust me, if I knew, I would give you the answer, and we would be fixing it. I simply am exhausted. I suppose we all feel this way at times. So, now I spill the beans. Scarlet is sick, sick, sick. It seems like she has been sick for three months now. Last week she started with the wheezing again, and I was so worried one morning last week that I texted my family to ask them to pray for her because I didn't know what else to do. My dad jumped in his car and came to watch her for me. After taking her to the doctor that day, who agreed with my decision to put her on steroids (since we have a pharmacy in the kitchen) and give breathing treatments every four hours, we made the choice to keep her home and get her well. Good thing, because the results of her blood test showed that her white blood cell count was soaring (22,000), and so she is also on a broad-spectrum antibiotic because the pediatrician was concerned about bronchitis or pneumonia settling in her little lungs. So far getting well has taken 9 days now, and we aren't there yet. We both work. Everyday. Basically, we are paying our childcare provider to not watch her. It's been hard, and we are so grateful to our families, who have stepped in and picked up the slack for us, driving an hour early in the mornings, and sometimes in bad weather to watch our girl. And I am still unsure about next week. What if she's not better? What do I do then? I don't even have enough sick days to to comfortably take time off, and Stefan doesn't even get sick time! It's the classic struggle, and I am sure all those better moms who stay at home with their kids can feel good about their family decision when they read about my worries and frustrations because I work to provide the health care that is keeping her breathing. So what do we do if she is still wheezing on Sunday night and we are faced with waking her at 6:30 to take her to daycare? What?

Back to my point - I am so exhausted and worry-filled that I am not enjoying anything right now. I find it hard to enjoy this beautiful season, I find it hard to wake up in the morning, I find it hard to smile, I find it hard to relax, I find it hard to make life fun for the boys, I find it hard to make dinner, I find it hard to have order, I find the sound of giggling boys annoying, which makes me sad, and then I get angry at myself, and then I am sad again, and I have to count to ten before I react, and take a deep breath. I know times are hard for so many right now. I know. I am thankful for my job, for Stefan's job, that there is, hopefully, a light at the end of this twisty tunnel we are in. I know she will grow, she will get stronger, she will be okay. I have to believe that. It's the best I can do right now. So I'm asking. I'm breaking down and asking, please pray for me, for us, for her. I know some of you already are, and thanks for that. I don't know how much more I can take, but I know I'm right there on the edge, and I think I am a really strong person.

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